What Was I Thinking?
by Lynn S.
Just what was I thinking in excusing his faults?
Why did I put up with his verbal assaults?
I ignored contradictions, saying “He’s just that way.”
I honestly thought he would grow up someday.
I first tried acceptance to dissuade all his rants.
If love conquers all, then he, too, had a chance.
If he could believe my intentions were true
Then he’d surely find peace. Why, he’d be like brand new!
To know what I now know would have saved me some strife.
He’ll always be frightened of love and of life,
Refusing acceptance of guilt or of blame.
His faults lie with others. It’s always the same.
Just what was I thinking in trying to be kind?
What made me persist when no truth I could find?
I trusted that underneath all of his muck
Was a swan in disguise. Now I just see a duck.
This is a very interesting and very informative article I came across and of course had to share here, maybe it will help someone on the way to healing and understanding.
INDEX FOR THIS ARTICLE:
* Prelude to this Article: What is Traumatic Incident Reduction(TIR)?
* Understanding and Treating Traumatic Bonds: Abstract
* Abuse and Traumatic Bonds
* The Stockholm Syndrome and Trauma Bonds
* Betrayal Bonds
* Why Trauma Bonds Form
* Object Relations Theory, Ambivalent Attachment, Self-Psychology and Trauma Bonding
* The Repetition Compulsion
* Trauma Bonding and the Psychobiology of Trauma
* Definition and Components of a Trauma Bond
* Case Studies
* Treatment Approach for Trauma Bonds
o Therapeutic Protocol
o Procedural Mode
o Causal Direction
o Rationale and Intent
o Treatment Steps
For many years I have wondered why people who are in abusive relationships stay, why they take it and allow someone else to have so much control over them, how they could feel love for the abuser. To someone who hasn’t been there it is very hard to grasp the dynamics involved in what the abused person goes through. Traumatic bonding could help many people, men and women, understand their unhealthy attachment to the abuser. I think Stockholm Syndrome and Traumatic Attachment have a lot in common and in some ways is the same thing just for different kinds of abusive relationship, but I am getting off track.
It is helpful to understand that this dynamic between the abuser and the abused is what makes the abused stay keeps them holding on and loving and giving. It is interesting to note that like Pavlov’s dogs a human being’s mind functions similarly. If given love and affection and praise intermittently a person is likely to stay even if being abused. Ah the human mind what a wonder it is. I think this is helpful for someone in an abusive relationship and perhaps to someone who knows someone who is in an abusive relationship.
To heal you have to know what you are dealing with.
Well I found two interesting articles regarding Traumatic Bonding which explain it much better than my ramblings, here’s the links
I think that narcissism is way more prevalent in today’s society than we would like to think. I also believe it is far more serious than most people would give it credit for.
We all know people who have hurt us, lied to us and simply didn’t care that they were doing it even though they claimed to love us be in love with us… This is, I believe, a form of soul rape – they strip you of everything that makes you “you”, make you addicted to them physically, mentally, spiritually and in every way possible. In the end you are left empty and alone. For some reason you crave them, need them, need their praises and “love” because you are now just an attachment of them you exist because they deemed it so, well according to them anyway.
I have seen it for myself and the damage that is done can be overcome but only if the person who wants to overcome it believes they can do it. If not the victim will go back into the same cycle with the narcissist. It could be keeping in contact after the breakup emotionally you are still tied to him or her so this is dangerous territory if you’re trying to break free. If the victim cannot let go the narcissist will forever rule that person’s life directly or indirectly. If you have children it’s harder but not impossible, nothing is impossible. Narcissism is complicated, detailed and full of traps, but once the victim can realize there is a way out and stick to it, they will be free.
Here’s an article I found, which says what I try to say much more eloquently…